hidethekey (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
hidethekey) wrote2009-06-01 03:57 pm
hidethekey) wrote2009-06-01 03:57 pm
Entry tags:
- fic,
- gsf,
- patd,
- reinvent love
Reinvent Love 1/3
Title: Reinvent Love 1/3
Rating: NC-17
Pairing: GSF
POV: Third- Spencer centric
Summary:Spencer has fallen in love three times; with three very different boys.
Disclaimer: I do not own Panic, this is fake. I made this up. I also do not own the title to this GSF. It belongs to Panic. I also do not own the cut text, it belongs to The Academy Is...
Warnings: Angst. Lots of it. Then some happy. And it’s long, about 12,000 words
Author Notes: I realize I likely missed a lot of things that happened during this time period but I wasn’t going for accuracy. I just hope you like it anyway.
Spencer is sixteen when he first realizes it. It kind of hits him like a car smashing into the back of a transport and he’s left gasping for air. He’s not sure how it happened, really he’s not. He can’t think of when it started or if, if maybe it’s just always been there. He didn’t know he liked boys. He really didn’t. He had been so sure that he liked girls for so long and then… then he thinks that he is pretty sure that girls won’t be the only thing he lusts about for the rest of his life; the thing he lusts after but can never seem to have, because at sixteen, Spencer Smith is kind of sure that he’ll never get a girlfriend. Once it hits him though, having a girlfriend doesn’t seem all that important anymore. Spencer discovers at sixteen that he might possibly be in love with his best friend. Actually, Spencer is pretty sure that he is in love with Ryan Ross.
At first, Spencer thinks that it will be totally obvious, like since he’s just realized it, then obviously Ryan will have too. He feels like maybe he has it written across his forehead in invisible ink that only he and Ryan can read. Ryan knows everything about Spencer, right? He knows everything about Spencer without even having to ask, or having Spencer tell him. It would only make sense for him to know this too, to read the actions and motions; the look in Spencer’s eyes. The thing is though, Ryan doesn’t notice.
Spencer thinks he should but it’s not like Spencer is doing anything different. They still chill out together, skateboarding or practicing with their respective instruments. They still play fight with each other. Ryan still sneaks in through Spencer’s bedroom window when he and his dad have had a particularly bad night. Nothing has changed at all, and yet for Spencer, everything has.
Spencer vows that he’s never ever going to tell Ryan about his little secret after Ryan gets his first girlfriend. If Ryan is getting with girls, then there’s no way that he’d like boys, right? That leads to the fact that there’s no way that he’d like Spencer. Instead of saying anything about his true feelings, Spencer listens to Ryan go off about sex and blowjobs and kissing and the hot pictures his new girlfriend has given him. He even looks at those pictures. Spencer listens when Ryan gets dumped, listens again when Ryan finds someone else. He never says anything though, and he never goes after any girls himself, even though there are a few that seem like they like him. He thinks that maybe they’re just pretending to get closer to Ryan because Ryan is the one that’s desirable out of the two of them. Spencer’s slightly chubby and he thinks he has a weird face. The thought that anyone would just pretend to like him to get to Ryan just makes him hurt a little more.
It’s Brent that brings Brendon by the first time. Brendon is all happy bounces and innocent faith. He picks up a guitar like he’s been playing since he was born and wows them all. Spencer watches Brendon play with rapt fascination. He’s good. He’s so good that if Ryan decides that Brendon can’t be in the band, Spencer might have to hit him, hard, then quit the band and make one with Brendon instead. Once Brendon starts his second song, Spencer’s eyes flick from the dark haired boy over to his best friend. Ryan is looking at Brendon with more than fascination on his face. Spencer has the feeling that Brendon won’t be all innocent faith for much longer. He’s seen that look before; it’s the look that Ryan gives people when he knows he’s about to fuck up everything they’ve ever known. He’d given Spencer that look when he’d told him about his father’s abuse and shown him the bruises. He’d given his first girlfriend that look only ten minutes before dragging her off to the bathroom (and subsequently fucking her silly in a bathroom stall, he’d told Spencer all about the act later). Spencer doesn’t like seeing that look on Ryan’s face as he looks at Brendon. He thinks he should step in, protect the boy but he knows that if he stands between Ryan and what Ryan wants, things will get even more fucked up than they have to. He leaves it alone and waits to see what happens.
Over the next few weeks, Brendon continues to come to band practice. He’s part of them now, that’s for sure. He’s learning their songs (the whole three that they have) on his guitar and playing them with more enthusiasm than Spencer could have given him credit for. He’d thought that the only one who could fit with them would be someone that’s known them forever, like Brent, but Brendon has fit himself into the groove seamlessly. Spencer thinks that if Brendon were to leave, there would definitely be something missing. He tells Brendon so late one night as he’s driving the (only slightly) older boy home.
“Spencer, you’re being ridiculous.” Brendon says with a playful tone, to take away from the sting the words themselves may have caused. “You guys can easily find another guitarist, trust me. Now you… you’re irreplaceable.”
Spencer doesn’t believe him, but the subject is dropped anyway. Spencer doesn’t stop thinking about it though. He thinks about it every time he sees Ryan’s hand shift over Brendon’s thigh, using the excuse that he needs to make sure Brendon’s getting it right. He thinks about it every time that Ryan sits just a little too close to Brendon and he thinks about it again when he sees them together on the porch, whispers of lips pressing against each other and hands gripped tightly together.
Brendon’s the irreplaceable one, he knows. Ryan can easily find a new best friend and a new drummer, but Spencer isn’t ready to let go yet.
Spencer’s pretty sure that he’s the only one that knows about Ryan and Brendon because he’s the only one paying attention. He sees it in the way that they look at each other, all sparkling eyes and longing gazes. He knows for a fact that Ryan’s stolen away any remnants of Brendon’s virginity, Ryan told him about it mere hours after it had happened. He sees the gentle touches; he witnesses the sweet kisses they give each other when no one is watching. Spencer sometimes has to wonder which one he’s more jealous of because somewhere along the way, he knows he’s fallen in love with Brendon too.
Being in love with both Ryan and Brendon isn’t hard for Spencer. The part that’s hard is seeing them both together. It’s seeing those secret smiles and feather light touches that really does it. He keeps wondering why they can’t just do that to him too. Why can’t he be part of their secret? He’s willing to share, in fact, he wants to share. He wants them both and he wants them both to want him. He loves how different the two of them are. Ryan is all unpredictable moods, pretentious words and incredible lyrics. He’s anger and hate and lust but he’s also soft at the same time. Ryan is hurt inside and it seems like Brendon is helping him heal, even if it’s just a little bit at a time. When Ryan looks at Brendon, Spencer can see the love in his eyes, love that Spencer had been sure Ryan would never be able to experience properly. Here it is though, and there’s no way that Spencer will ever be the one to take that away from Ryan. Brendon, on the other hand, is all sunshine and energy and wonders. He’s happiness, brightness and love. He’s always optimistic, always trying to make things better. Even when his parents kick him out, Brendon is still bouncy and wonderful, and Spencer knows why Ryan loves him so much. Spencer doesn’t understand it at all even though he witnesses it every day. He can’t tell how the two of them balance each other. He thinks that they’re missing something, or someone to keep them both from tearing each other apart. It’s bound to happen with people that different from each other, Spencer knows this, he’s just not sure which one he’s going to pick up after it’s all said and done. He hopes he never has to pick up after either of them.
It’s in the third month of their relationship that Ryan and Brendon start fighting. It’s just squabbles at first, tiny little arguments that seem to just expand and engulf them both. After one particularly bad one, they don’t talk for a week. They still fuck, which is something Spencer really doesn’t get, but they don’t talk at all. They don’t even talk during band practice. Spencer spends his days alternating between Ryan and Brendon. Neither of them will really talk about what happened or why they aren’t talking to each other but that doesn’t matter to Spencer. He likes being with them either way. At the end of the week, things are back to normal and Brendon and Ryan are back to secret kisses and smiles.
Six months after Brendon joins the band, they get to hear him sing. He hasn’t done this before, choosing to focus on his guitar and looking up at Ryan with amazement dancing in his eyes as Ryan takes the role of vocalist. Brendon messes around on the keyboard from time to time and Spencer even lets him thrash around on his drums, (which is a privilege, dammit) but he never opens his mouth to sing. Never, until this one day when Ryan insists he needs back up vocals in this one part of this one song. Brent flat out refuses the request. They all know that he can’t sing and Spencer begs off with the excuse that he’s a drummer, ok, and drummers need to not have to worry about singing. They just need to worry about pounding the shit out of their kits in some semblance of a rhythm. Brendon mock glares at both of them, calls them both pussies and then sings out a few notes, loud and clear. Spencer has to tear his eyes away from Brendon, away from his closed eyes, his bobbing Adam’s apple, and those lips that form to words oh so perfectly. He has to because he has to see Ryan’s reaction to this. It’s almost ridiculous how much he wishes he could watch them both together.
Ryan’s eyes are wide and shocked. His mouth is hanging open in a way that Spencer would find absolutely hilarious if this situation wasn’t so serious. Despite the obvious complete and utter shock, Ryan has that look on his face. Things are about to get seriously fucked up and Spencer knows it. Ryan has the decency to wait for Brendon to falter to a clumsy close after noticing that Ryan has stopped singing before saying anything. And then he’s babbling, he can’t seem to find any proper words and for once it seems like the words aren’t coming easy to him, like this situation isn’t coming easy to him unlike almost everything else in his life. He’s raving about Brendon’s talent and going on about the wonder that is Brendon’s voice. He even babbles out the fact that when Brendon hit that one note, Ryan had shivers running all over his body. He proves to them all that he’s still shaking from the effect by splaying his hand out and it’s true, he’s shaking all over the place. Brendon stares at him like he has no idea why any of this rambling is of any importance. Spencer just clears his throat and smiles at Brendon. “Looks like you’ve made yourself indispensable now too.”
Two weeks after Brendon becomes their vocalist, Pete Wentz drives down to Vegas and their band gets signed.
Everything is pretty much a blur after that. There’s packing and driving and plane rides all the way to Maryland where they’re recording. Brendon is even more bouncy than ever and he clings to everyone, talking about how this is it, their big break, now they’re going to be rockstars. Spencer’s heart swells every time Brendon gives him that loud, adorable grin and sometimes he has to turn himself away from the slightly older boy just so that he doesn’t grab him and kiss him. Spencer doesn’t think that Ryan would be very happy with him attacking his boyfriend like that. It doesn’t stop Spencer from wanting to, though. Brendon’s moods are just contagious. When he smiles, he makes Spencer want to smile right back. When he’s bouncy and singing, Spencer wants to do the same but he’s too uptight for that. He hopes that maybe being around Brendon will help him loosen up a little.
Ryan though, seems completely unaffected by Brendon’s good moods. He’s a mess of nerves and moodiness. He’s worse than he usually is and every time Brendon says something about rockstars, he glares and says something snippy about how they only have five songs now and they have to write a whole damned album in the next month. Brendon deflates and clings to Spencer and Spencer’s not sure if he should feed Brendon’s impossible dreams or if he should cling in turn to Ryan and try to make everything better. He does manage to balance the two of them out, and every day Ryan apologizes to Brendon, presses a kiss to the corner of his mouth and tells him that yes, this is it. They’re going to be rockstars.
Brent has to be obtuse. It’s been six months since Brendon had joined the band and five and a half since he and Ryan got together. They try to be secretive about their blossoming love, but neither of them is very good at it. Brendon can’t keep a secret to save his life and although Ryan can, he just can’t help the way his whole face lights up and his body gravitates toward the smaller boy when Brendon walks into a room. Brent hasn’t noticed anything, or if he has, he hasn’t said anything about it. Spencer’s known about Ryan and Brendon since the day after they first kissed. The only thing Brent does is raise an eyebrow when Spencer says they’re going to be roomies, saying something about how he’d thought he’d be rooming with Brendon because Spencer and Ryan are best friends. Spencer shrugs at him and sets his suitcase down next to one of the beds then proceeds to unpack his four pairs of shoes. Ryan hadn’t let him pack any more than that; it kind of makes Spencer sad.
That night, Ryan and Brendon fuck loudly in the room next to them. There’s no doubt in Spencer’s mind that Brent knows now. There’s absolutely no way that he wouldn’t.
Things start to go down from there. They finish the album and start touring to promote it. The album hits and it’s amazing. They are a complete success, selling records all over the place. Brendon’s a ball of energy and Spencer thinks that maybe it might have something to so with the fact that he’s adopted red bull as his new favourite drink but at the same time, he knows he’s a lot more smiles and laughter than he’s ever been before.
Now it’s Ryan that’s talking about rockstars with sparkles in his eyes and a shy smile. It’s Ryan that’s texting Pete every step of their tour and Ryan that’s collapsing onto Brendon’s lap, pressing kisses to his jaw and not caring who sees. The two of them are so obvious about their love that they decide to incorporate it into their shows. That part is a success too, but it seems like with every show they do, Brent becomes just a little more distant, spends a little more time on his phone…
Brent never misses a show but he’s late, he skips out on sound check and avoids the rest of them during the off time. While they play shows, he sticks to his side of the stage, looking at his feet as he plays and closing his eyes. It’s like he’s ignoring Ryan and Brendon’s love, like he’s trying not to see. Spencer thinks that maybe it makes him uncomfortable. Part of him wants to make Brent feel better because Brent’s his friend, they’ve been friends for a damned long time but the other part of him wants to tell Brent to fuck off and get over it. Ryan and Brendon are in love. They deserve the support of their friends, their fucking bandmates. Brent’s stiff and doesn’t move very much onstage and it starts to worry Spencer. There’s nothing he can do about it, especially since there’s no way he’s going to tell Ryan and Brendon to stop loving each other. Spencer doesn’t say anything when Brent disappears after every show only to emerge again when he needs to be onstage again.
Thankfully there’s Jon. Jon fits in with them the way Brendon had. He’s easy going, smiley and cute. He’s the guitar tech for The Academy Is… (who they’re touring with) and he has a decent amount of spare time. He’s the one that brings Brendon back when he’s too trashed to walk. He’s the one that goes out for food with them, he’s the one that laughs at all of Brendon’s jokes and ruffles Spencer’s hair even when he knows that Spencer’s going to give him the look of death if he does it even one more time. They like Jon. He jams with them during the sound checks that Brent misses, sings Aladdin with Brendon and talks about music with Ryan. He’s the pulse to Spencer’s beat and Spencer can feel himself falling in love all over again.
Spencer feels like he should be ashamed, being in love with three different boys. He thinks it should be hard, that it should rip him apart, especially because two of them are with each other and not with him. It doesn’t. He’s just happy, so, so happy for Ryan, and for Brendon for being in love with each other. He doesn’t even mind seeing them kiss each other, or cuddle, he’s just happy for both of them. It’s not until he sees Brendon start to eye Jon that he actually gets jealous.
It starts out innocently. Brendon’s always been a clingy person and they’re all used to it. Jon gets used to it right away too, so it’s not uncommon to walk into the lounge and see Brendon on Jon’s lap or tight against Jon’s side. It doesn’t help that Brendon thinks that Jon’s fucking awesome either because it just makes him cling all the more. Soon though, Spencer notices that Brendon’s clinging a little too much or looking at Jon longer than strictly necessary. Spencer feels the heat of anger for Ryan. It’s not fair for Brendon to be feeling that way about Jon when he’s supposed to be with Ryan. It’s not. Ryan doesn’t deserve that at all and Spencer will personally kill Brendon if he fucks up with Ryan, despite how much he loves the other boy. He also doesn’t think its fair that Brendon can take Jon too. Spencer loves Brendon, he loves him to death but he’d thought maybe… maybe since Brendon has Ryan that maybe… Jon could be his. He sees the looks that Jon gives Brendon back and realizes that taking Jon away from him will be impossible. It’s not fair, but Spencer deals with it.
It’s only a few days later though, that Spencer notices Ryan giving Jon the same looks and Jon giving them right back.
Spencer watches the three of them for weeks, for the whole tour, really. He watches as Brendon blatantly tries to seduce Jon, he watches as Ryan does the same thing, only sneakier. He watches Jon refuse them every single time and can’t understand why. Jon looks at both of them the exact same way as they look at him. He’s in love with them both, Spencer can tell. Spencer can tell this because he’s been in love with Ryan for years, and Brendon too (not for years, but that doesn’t really matter). Spencer tries not to, he tries to be happy for them, all of them (even though Jon is still turning the other two down) but he really wishes that maybe, just one of them would love him back.
Brendon and Ryan still haven’t convinced Jon into their bed when the tour ends. The wait for their separate flights at the airport is quiet and features Brendon sending sad looks over to Jon and the guys from the Academy Is… Ryan’s beside Spencer, for once, and gently running a hand over his leg. Spencer thinks that maybe Ryan mistakes him for Brendon because he doesn’t think his friend would be doing that otherwise. Jon’s cuddling Brendon, nuzzling his neck and telling him that they’ll see each other soon and that he should get back over to Ryan and Spencer. Jon doesn’t say anything about Brent, who’s sitting on the other side of the waiting area, playing his game boy or some other thing like that. Spencer doesn’t know why he’s being included in the BrendonRyanJon circle, but the thought of that, of all four of them together leaves him warm for the whole plane ride home. He feels warmer when Jon presents the prettiest of smiles for only Spencer to see. Spencer wonders why he’d gotten that smile when it was obviously meant for Ryan.
When he gets home, he thinks he should be happy. He’s in his bedroom, his own bed. His own posters are lining the walls and he doesn’t have to curl up in an uncomfortable bunk anymore. He has his blankets, his pillows and god, he has his shoes again. His parents are there, spoiling him because he’s been gone so long. They take him shopping; they buy him new clothes, shoes and anything he wants, really. He has the money now to pay for it all himself, but he thinks that he should indulge them a little. They are still his parents and they want to take care of him. He should be happy because he’s getting home cooked meals and good night’s sleeps and regular showers. Spencer knows he should be happy, but he’s not.
He misses them. He misses Brendon and Ryan and Jon. He misses seeing them when he wakes up in the morning, Brendon already wide awake with bright smiles and silly jokes as he eats his cereal, Ryan sitting across from him drinking his coffee and glaring at Brendon because he’s far too hyper in the mornings and Jon… Jon’s never been on their bus that early, but Spencer can just picture him, leaning back against the chair with his own coffee and smirking at the other two while he eats a pair of poptarts. Jon knows that they’re together, it’s hard not to if you’re close to them at all and Spencer thinks that maybe that’s why Jon had been refusing them.
Spencer wants to be in the bus, curled up between Jon and Ryan, watching movies or playing video games. He doesn’t want to be back here in Vegas, waiting around for nothing to happen. He knows that they have another tour planned, but it’s not going to be the same without Jon there too. Jon is a part of them now, just like Brendon, and Spencer knows that no matter how much they want to be able to enjoy themselves, it’s just not going to be the same without the older boy along this time.
He spends his days reading and practicing his drumming. He hangs out with Brent a few times but it’s different now. Brent’s distant. He doesn’t want to go back on the road, Spencer can tell. He wants to stay back in Vegas. He wants to do some schooling. The fact that the band is making it, that they’re touring and selling albums and playing for more and more people every night doesn’t seem important to him at all. Spencer doesn’t get that because what he wants to do most is get back out on the road and see another place. What he wants most is to be on that tour bus with Brendon and Ryan even though he can’t tell them how he feels. He wants to be back out on tour because when they’re touring, nothing feels real. He’s back home now and reality is weighing in on him. He can’t wait to be gone again.
He sees Ryan and Brendon during their time off too, both separately and together. Of course they have other friends and they did all just come off tour together but that doesn’t stop these guys from being Spencer’s best friends. It doesn’t make him stop loving them or wanting to just be with them all the time. He knows that they see each other a lot during the off time so it’s just natural. He and Ryan have been friends for years and years; he’s not going to just stop hanging out with his best friend because they aren’t on tour.
They don’t do very much when they hang out. Spencer and Brendon play video games and Spencer and Ryan go shopping. They hit a few parties that they know they’re only invited to because they’re famous now and it’s all just too uncomfortable. After one particularly bad one where this slut tries to come onto Brendon and get him to take her home, they all just pile into Ryan’s car and drive over to the shitty little apartment that Brendon’s still living in.
Brendon’s laughing, a little too loud and Ryan is scowling. He can’t believe that someone would be so blatant about going after Brendon. Spencer can believe it, he’d act the same way if he knew Brendon was single and he’d had a bit to drink. They haven’t come out to the world at large yet, so everyone thinks they’re unattached. If Ryan had really wanted to do something about it, then maybe he should have said something more than, ‘screw off, slut.’ Spencer collapses onto Brendon’s tiny little too low to the floor couch and sighs. The other two arrange themselves tangled on the floor and they all settle in to watch some of their favourite movies. It feels like touring. It feels like those endless hours on the bus, all curled together in the lounge. Spencer just wishes that Jon were here too then it would be perfect. He’s the only thing that’s missing.
Part Two
Rating: NC-17
Pairing: GSF
POV: Third- Spencer centric
Summary:Spencer has fallen in love three times; with three very different boys.
Disclaimer: I do not own Panic, this is fake. I made this up. I also do not own the title to this GSF. It belongs to Panic. I also do not own the cut text, it belongs to The Academy Is...
Warnings: Angst. Lots of it. Then some happy. And it’s long, about 12,000 words
Author Notes: I realize I likely missed a lot of things that happened during this time period but I wasn’t going for accuracy. I just hope you like it anyway.
Spencer is sixteen when he first realizes it. It kind of hits him like a car smashing into the back of a transport and he’s left gasping for air. He’s not sure how it happened, really he’s not. He can’t think of when it started or if, if maybe it’s just always been there. He didn’t know he liked boys. He really didn’t. He had been so sure that he liked girls for so long and then… then he thinks that he is pretty sure that girls won’t be the only thing he lusts about for the rest of his life; the thing he lusts after but can never seem to have, because at sixteen, Spencer Smith is kind of sure that he’ll never get a girlfriend. Once it hits him though, having a girlfriend doesn’t seem all that important anymore. Spencer discovers at sixteen that he might possibly be in love with his best friend. Actually, Spencer is pretty sure that he is in love with Ryan Ross.
At first, Spencer thinks that it will be totally obvious, like since he’s just realized it, then obviously Ryan will have too. He feels like maybe he has it written across his forehead in invisible ink that only he and Ryan can read. Ryan knows everything about Spencer, right? He knows everything about Spencer without even having to ask, or having Spencer tell him. It would only make sense for him to know this too, to read the actions and motions; the look in Spencer’s eyes. The thing is though, Ryan doesn’t notice.
Spencer thinks he should but it’s not like Spencer is doing anything different. They still chill out together, skateboarding or practicing with their respective instruments. They still play fight with each other. Ryan still sneaks in through Spencer’s bedroom window when he and his dad have had a particularly bad night. Nothing has changed at all, and yet for Spencer, everything has.
Spencer vows that he’s never ever going to tell Ryan about his little secret after Ryan gets his first girlfriend. If Ryan is getting with girls, then there’s no way that he’d like boys, right? That leads to the fact that there’s no way that he’d like Spencer. Instead of saying anything about his true feelings, Spencer listens to Ryan go off about sex and blowjobs and kissing and the hot pictures his new girlfriend has given him. He even looks at those pictures. Spencer listens when Ryan gets dumped, listens again when Ryan finds someone else. He never says anything though, and he never goes after any girls himself, even though there are a few that seem like they like him. He thinks that maybe they’re just pretending to get closer to Ryan because Ryan is the one that’s desirable out of the two of them. Spencer’s slightly chubby and he thinks he has a weird face. The thought that anyone would just pretend to like him to get to Ryan just makes him hurt a little more.
It’s Brent that brings Brendon by the first time. Brendon is all happy bounces and innocent faith. He picks up a guitar like he’s been playing since he was born and wows them all. Spencer watches Brendon play with rapt fascination. He’s good. He’s so good that if Ryan decides that Brendon can’t be in the band, Spencer might have to hit him, hard, then quit the band and make one with Brendon instead. Once Brendon starts his second song, Spencer’s eyes flick from the dark haired boy over to his best friend. Ryan is looking at Brendon with more than fascination on his face. Spencer has the feeling that Brendon won’t be all innocent faith for much longer. He’s seen that look before; it’s the look that Ryan gives people when he knows he’s about to fuck up everything they’ve ever known. He’d given Spencer that look when he’d told him about his father’s abuse and shown him the bruises. He’d given his first girlfriend that look only ten minutes before dragging her off to the bathroom (and subsequently fucking her silly in a bathroom stall, he’d told Spencer all about the act later). Spencer doesn’t like seeing that look on Ryan’s face as he looks at Brendon. He thinks he should step in, protect the boy but he knows that if he stands between Ryan and what Ryan wants, things will get even more fucked up than they have to. He leaves it alone and waits to see what happens.
Over the next few weeks, Brendon continues to come to band practice. He’s part of them now, that’s for sure. He’s learning their songs (the whole three that they have) on his guitar and playing them with more enthusiasm than Spencer could have given him credit for. He’d thought that the only one who could fit with them would be someone that’s known them forever, like Brent, but Brendon has fit himself into the groove seamlessly. Spencer thinks that if Brendon were to leave, there would definitely be something missing. He tells Brendon so late one night as he’s driving the (only slightly) older boy home.
“Spencer, you’re being ridiculous.” Brendon says with a playful tone, to take away from the sting the words themselves may have caused. “You guys can easily find another guitarist, trust me. Now you… you’re irreplaceable.”
Spencer doesn’t believe him, but the subject is dropped anyway. Spencer doesn’t stop thinking about it though. He thinks about it every time he sees Ryan’s hand shift over Brendon’s thigh, using the excuse that he needs to make sure Brendon’s getting it right. He thinks about it every time that Ryan sits just a little too close to Brendon and he thinks about it again when he sees them together on the porch, whispers of lips pressing against each other and hands gripped tightly together.
Brendon’s the irreplaceable one, he knows. Ryan can easily find a new best friend and a new drummer, but Spencer isn’t ready to let go yet.
Spencer’s pretty sure that he’s the only one that knows about Ryan and Brendon because he’s the only one paying attention. He sees it in the way that they look at each other, all sparkling eyes and longing gazes. He knows for a fact that Ryan’s stolen away any remnants of Brendon’s virginity, Ryan told him about it mere hours after it had happened. He sees the gentle touches; he witnesses the sweet kisses they give each other when no one is watching. Spencer sometimes has to wonder which one he’s more jealous of because somewhere along the way, he knows he’s fallen in love with Brendon too.
Being in love with both Ryan and Brendon isn’t hard for Spencer. The part that’s hard is seeing them both together. It’s seeing those secret smiles and feather light touches that really does it. He keeps wondering why they can’t just do that to him too. Why can’t he be part of their secret? He’s willing to share, in fact, he wants to share. He wants them both and he wants them both to want him. He loves how different the two of them are. Ryan is all unpredictable moods, pretentious words and incredible lyrics. He’s anger and hate and lust but he’s also soft at the same time. Ryan is hurt inside and it seems like Brendon is helping him heal, even if it’s just a little bit at a time. When Ryan looks at Brendon, Spencer can see the love in his eyes, love that Spencer had been sure Ryan would never be able to experience properly. Here it is though, and there’s no way that Spencer will ever be the one to take that away from Ryan. Brendon, on the other hand, is all sunshine and energy and wonders. He’s happiness, brightness and love. He’s always optimistic, always trying to make things better. Even when his parents kick him out, Brendon is still bouncy and wonderful, and Spencer knows why Ryan loves him so much. Spencer doesn’t understand it at all even though he witnesses it every day. He can’t tell how the two of them balance each other. He thinks that they’re missing something, or someone to keep them both from tearing each other apart. It’s bound to happen with people that different from each other, Spencer knows this, he’s just not sure which one he’s going to pick up after it’s all said and done. He hopes he never has to pick up after either of them.
It’s in the third month of their relationship that Ryan and Brendon start fighting. It’s just squabbles at first, tiny little arguments that seem to just expand and engulf them both. After one particularly bad one, they don’t talk for a week. They still fuck, which is something Spencer really doesn’t get, but they don’t talk at all. They don’t even talk during band practice. Spencer spends his days alternating between Ryan and Brendon. Neither of them will really talk about what happened or why they aren’t talking to each other but that doesn’t matter to Spencer. He likes being with them either way. At the end of the week, things are back to normal and Brendon and Ryan are back to secret kisses and smiles.
Six months after Brendon joins the band, they get to hear him sing. He hasn’t done this before, choosing to focus on his guitar and looking up at Ryan with amazement dancing in his eyes as Ryan takes the role of vocalist. Brendon messes around on the keyboard from time to time and Spencer even lets him thrash around on his drums, (which is a privilege, dammit) but he never opens his mouth to sing. Never, until this one day when Ryan insists he needs back up vocals in this one part of this one song. Brent flat out refuses the request. They all know that he can’t sing and Spencer begs off with the excuse that he’s a drummer, ok, and drummers need to not have to worry about singing. They just need to worry about pounding the shit out of their kits in some semblance of a rhythm. Brendon mock glares at both of them, calls them both pussies and then sings out a few notes, loud and clear. Spencer has to tear his eyes away from Brendon, away from his closed eyes, his bobbing Adam’s apple, and those lips that form to words oh so perfectly. He has to because he has to see Ryan’s reaction to this. It’s almost ridiculous how much he wishes he could watch them both together.
Ryan’s eyes are wide and shocked. His mouth is hanging open in a way that Spencer would find absolutely hilarious if this situation wasn’t so serious. Despite the obvious complete and utter shock, Ryan has that look on his face. Things are about to get seriously fucked up and Spencer knows it. Ryan has the decency to wait for Brendon to falter to a clumsy close after noticing that Ryan has stopped singing before saying anything. And then he’s babbling, he can’t seem to find any proper words and for once it seems like the words aren’t coming easy to him, like this situation isn’t coming easy to him unlike almost everything else in his life. He’s raving about Brendon’s talent and going on about the wonder that is Brendon’s voice. He even babbles out the fact that when Brendon hit that one note, Ryan had shivers running all over his body. He proves to them all that he’s still shaking from the effect by splaying his hand out and it’s true, he’s shaking all over the place. Brendon stares at him like he has no idea why any of this rambling is of any importance. Spencer just clears his throat and smiles at Brendon. “Looks like you’ve made yourself indispensable now too.”
Two weeks after Brendon becomes their vocalist, Pete Wentz drives down to Vegas and their band gets signed.
Everything is pretty much a blur after that. There’s packing and driving and plane rides all the way to Maryland where they’re recording. Brendon is even more bouncy than ever and he clings to everyone, talking about how this is it, their big break, now they’re going to be rockstars. Spencer’s heart swells every time Brendon gives him that loud, adorable grin and sometimes he has to turn himself away from the slightly older boy just so that he doesn’t grab him and kiss him. Spencer doesn’t think that Ryan would be very happy with him attacking his boyfriend like that. It doesn’t stop Spencer from wanting to, though. Brendon’s moods are just contagious. When he smiles, he makes Spencer want to smile right back. When he’s bouncy and singing, Spencer wants to do the same but he’s too uptight for that. He hopes that maybe being around Brendon will help him loosen up a little.
Ryan though, seems completely unaffected by Brendon’s good moods. He’s a mess of nerves and moodiness. He’s worse than he usually is and every time Brendon says something about rockstars, he glares and says something snippy about how they only have five songs now and they have to write a whole damned album in the next month. Brendon deflates and clings to Spencer and Spencer’s not sure if he should feed Brendon’s impossible dreams or if he should cling in turn to Ryan and try to make everything better. He does manage to balance the two of them out, and every day Ryan apologizes to Brendon, presses a kiss to the corner of his mouth and tells him that yes, this is it. They’re going to be rockstars.
Brent has to be obtuse. It’s been six months since Brendon had joined the band and five and a half since he and Ryan got together. They try to be secretive about their blossoming love, but neither of them is very good at it. Brendon can’t keep a secret to save his life and although Ryan can, he just can’t help the way his whole face lights up and his body gravitates toward the smaller boy when Brendon walks into a room. Brent hasn’t noticed anything, or if he has, he hasn’t said anything about it. Spencer’s known about Ryan and Brendon since the day after they first kissed. The only thing Brent does is raise an eyebrow when Spencer says they’re going to be roomies, saying something about how he’d thought he’d be rooming with Brendon because Spencer and Ryan are best friends. Spencer shrugs at him and sets his suitcase down next to one of the beds then proceeds to unpack his four pairs of shoes. Ryan hadn’t let him pack any more than that; it kind of makes Spencer sad.
That night, Ryan and Brendon fuck loudly in the room next to them. There’s no doubt in Spencer’s mind that Brent knows now. There’s absolutely no way that he wouldn’t.
Things start to go down from there. They finish the album and start touring to promote it. The album hits and it’s amazing. They are a complete success, selling records all over the place. Brendon’s a ball of energy and Spencer thinks that maybe it might have something to so with the fact that he’s adopted red bull as his new favourite drink but at the same time, he knows he’s a lot more smiles and laughter than he’s ever been before.
Now it’s Ryan that’s talking about rockstars with sparkles in his eyes and a shy smile. It’s Ryan that’s texting Pete every step of their tour and Ryan that’s collapsing onto Brendon’s lap, pressing kisses to his jaw and not caring who sees. The two of them are so obvious about their love that they decide to incorporate it into their shows. That part is a success too, but it seems like with every show they do, Brent becomes just a little more distant, spends a little more time on his phone…
Brent never misses a show but he’s late, he skips out on sound check and avoids the rest of them during the off time. While they play shows, he sticks to his side of the stage, looking at his feet as he plays and closing his eyes. It’s like he’s ignoring Ryan and Brendon’s love, like he’s trying not to see. Spencer thinks that maybe it makes him uncomfortable. Part of him wants to make Brent feel better because Brent’s his friend, they’ve been friends for a damned long time but the other part of him wants to tell Brent to fuck off and get over it. Ryan and Brendon are in love. They deserve the support of their friends, their fucking bandmates. Brent’s stiff and doesn’t move very much onstage and it starts to worry Spencer. There’s nothing he can do about it, especially since there’s no way he’s going to tell Ryan and Brendon to stop loving each other. Spencer doesn’t say anything when Brent disappears after every show only to emerge again when he needs to be onstage again.
Thankfully there’s Jon. Jon fits in with them the way Brendon had. He’s easy going, smiley and cute. He’s the guitar tech for The Academy Is… (who they’re touring with) and he has a decent amount of spare time. He’s the one that brings Brendon back when he’s too trashed to walk. He’s the one that goes out for food with them, he’s the one that laughs at all of Brendon’s jokes and ruffles Spencer’s hair even when he knows that Spencer’s going to give him the look of death if he does it even one more time. They like Jon. He jams with them during the sound checks that Brent misses, sings Aladdin with Brendon and talks about music with Ryan. He’s the pulse to Spencer’s beat and Spencer can feel himself falling in love all over again.
Spencer feels like he should be ashamed, being in love with three different boys. He thinks it should be hard, that it should rip him apart, especially because two of them are with each other and not with him. It doesn’t. He’s just happy, so, so happy for Ryan, and for Brendon for being in love with each other. He doesn’t even mind seeing them kiss each other, or cuddle, he’s just happy for both of them. It’s not until he sees Brendon start to eye Jon that he actually gets jealous.
It starts out innocently. Brendon’s always been a clingy person and they’re all used to it. Jon gets used to it right away too, so it’s not uncommon to walk into the lounge and see Brendon on Jon’s lap or tight against Jon’s side. It doesn’t help that Brendon thinks that Jon’s fucking awesome either because it just makes him cling all the more. Soon though, Spencer notices that Brendon’s clinging a little too much or looking at Jon longer than strictly necessary. Spencer feels the heat of anger for Ryan. It’s not fair for Brendon to be feeling that way about Jon when he’s supposed to be with Ryan. It’s not. Ryan doesn’t deserve that at all and Spencer will personally kill Brendon if he fucks up with Ryan, despite how much he loves the other boy. He also doesn’t think its fair that Brendon can take Jon too. Spencer loves Brendon, he loves him to death but he’d thought maybe… maybe since Brendon has Ryan that maybe… Jon could be his. He sees the looks that Jon gives Brendon back and realizes that taking Jon away from him will be impossible. It’s not fair, but Spencer deals with it.
It’s only a few days later though, that Spencer notices Ryan giving Jon the same looks and Jon giving them right back.
Spencer watches the three of them for weeks, for the whole tour, really. He watches as Brendon blatantly tries to seduce Jon, he watches as Ryan does the same thing, only sneakier. He watches Jon refuse them every single time and can’t understand why. Jon looks at both of them the exact same way as they look at him. He’s in love with them both, Spencer can tell. Spencer can tell this because he’s been in love with Ryan for years, and Brendon too (not for years, but that doesn’t really matter). Spencer tries not to, he tries to be happy for them, all of them (even though Jon is still turning the other two down) but he really wishes that maybe, just one of them would love him back.
Brendon and Ryan still haven’t convinced Jon into their bed when the tour ends. The wait for their separate flights at the airport is quiet and features Brendon sending sad looks over to Jon and the guys from the Academy Is… Ryan’s beside Spencer, for once, and gently running a hand over his leg. Spencer thinks that maybe Ryan mistakes him for Brendon because he doesn’t think his friend would be doing that otherwise. Jon’s cuddling Brendon, nuzzling his neck and telling him that they’ll see each other soon and that he should get back over to Ryan and Spencer. Jon doesn’t say anything about Brent, who’s sitting on the other side of the waiting area, playing his game boy or some other thing like that. Spencer doesn’t know why he’s being included in the BrendonRyanJon circle, but the thought of that, of all four of them together leaves him warm for the whole plane ride home. He feels warmer when Jon presents the prettiest of smiles for only Spencer to see. Spencer wonders why he’d gotten that smile when it was obviously meant for Ryan.
When he gets home, he thinks he should be happy. He’s in his bedroom, his own bed. His own posters are lining the walls and he doesn’t have to curl up in an uncomfortable bunk anymore. He has his blankets, his pillows and god, he has his shoes again. His parents are there, spoiling him because he’s been gone so long. They take him shopping; they buy him new clothes, shoes and anything he wants, really. He has the money now to pay for it all himself, but he thinks that he should indulge them a little. They are still his parents and they want to take care of him. He should be happy because he’s getting home cooked meals and good night’s sleeps and regular showers. Spencer knows he should be happy, but he’s not.
He misses them. He misses Brendon and Ryan and Jon. He misses seeing them when he wakes up in the morning, Brendon already wide awake with bright smiles and silly jokes as he eats his cereal, Ryan sitting across from him drinking his coffee and glaring at Brendon because he’s far too hyper in the mornings and Jon… Jon’s never been on their bus that early, but Spencer can just picture him, leaning back against the chair with his own coffee and smirking at the other two while he eats a pair of poptarts. Jon knows that they’re together, it’s hard not to if you’re close to them at all and Spencer thinks that maybe that’s why Jon had been refusing them.
Spencer wants to be in the bus, curled up between Jon and Ryan, watching movies or playing video games. He doesn’t want to be back here in Vegas, waiting around for nothing to happen. He knows that they have another tour planned, but it’s not going to be the same without Jon there too. Jon is a part of them now, just like Brendon, and Spencer knows that no matter how much they want to be able to enjoy themselves, it’s just not going to be the same without the older boy along this time.
He spends his days reading and practicing his drumming. He hangs out with Brent a few times but it’s different now. Brent’s distant. He doesn’t want to go back on the road, Spencer can tell. He wants to stay back in Vegas. He wants to do some schooling. The fact that the band is making it, that they’re touring and selling albums and playing for more and more people every night doesn’t seem important to him at all. Spencer doesn’t get that because what he wants to do most is get back out on the road and see another place. What he wants most is to be on that tour bus with Brendon and Ryan even though he can’t tell them how he feels. He wants to be back out on tour because when they’re touring, nothing feels real. He’s back home now and reality is weighing in on him. He can’t wait to be gone again.
He sees Ryan and Brendon during their time off too, both separately and together. Of course they have other friends and they did all just come off tour together but that doesn’t stop these guys from being Spencer’s best friends. It doesn’t make him stop loving them or wanting to just be with them all the time. He knows that they see each other a lot during the off time so it’s just natural. He and Ryan have been friends for years and years; he’s not going to just stop hanging out with his best friend because they aren’t on tour.
They don’t do very much when they hang out. Spencer and Brendon play video games and Spencer and Ryan go shopping. They hit a few parties that they know they’re only invited to because they’re famous now and it’s all just too uncomfortable. After one particularly bad one where this slut tries to come onto Brendon and get him to take her home, they all just pile into Ryan’s car and drive over to the shitty little apartment that Brendon’s still living in.
Brendon’s laughing, a little too loud and Ryan is scowling. He can’t believe that someone would be so blatant about going after Brendon. Spencer can believe it, he’d act the same way if he knew Brendon was single and he’d had a bit to drink. They haven’t come out to the world at large yet, so everyone thinks they’re unattached. If Ryan had really wanted to do something about it, then maybe he should have said something more than, ‘screw off, slut.’ Spencer collapses onto Brendon’s tiny little too low to the floor couch and sighs. The other two arrange themselves tangled on the floor and they all settle in to watch some of their favourite movies. It feels like touring. It feels like those endless hours on the bus, all curled together in the lounge. Spencer just wishes that Jon were here too then it would be perfect. He’s the only thing that’s missing.
Part Two